If you build it they will come...on u

8:43am: yesterday
was alot harder than i thought. came into work positive because after 24hrs of leaving kim be i got a text at 11.50pm on sunday wishing me good night and sweet dreams.

it wasnt until folk asked me how my weekend was it all went down hill.
I should add that they are all a cynical bunch happy(or at least say they are in their solid relationships which have lasted a year or more.

so to have them tear my hope to shreads with utterings of'shes playing you for a mug' and ' how long will it be before she fucks you over ' then your hope starts to ebb away.

last night i didnt hear anything nor did i send anything.

thankfully last night will be the only night im on my own this week. possibly wednesday but i would hope i hear something by then.

to top it off i have to spend the rest of the week with the cynics. time to keep myself to myself.

I really do hope this all comes good

4:19pm: umm.....
this is gonna be alot harder than i thought

10:07am: it would seem
that in order for me to understand kimi, i dont talkt to kimi. I talk to nathan. quick background, kim an i spoke on msn thursday and i requested we do something saturday. she suggested food. I said i wouldnt text her till saturday.

so friday night went around to nathans for nachos and beer(very nom) and obviously we got to talking bout kim and whats going on...ended up getting quite heated and in the end i wasnt shouting at nathan in front of me but kimi (in nathans form) it would seem he is very alike to kim. so when i said my peice he would retort in exactly the way i would expect kim to..

was most strange.

long story short, leave kim to it for a week. completely. which i know its what you guys have said but this was different. he said what ive been doing hasnt been working and ive not given her the one thing she has actually asked for. space.

was so nervous about dinner and went to the curry place on king st. kim was late but i wasjnt suprised nor annoyed. these days im happy to see her and dont really care.

she was a different person to the one 3 weeks ago.chilled and relaxed. she apologised for alot of stuff but mainly that she hasnt put in the effort to things which was deserved. i agreed that we couldnt have continued the way things were the last two months but felt that quiting wasnt the way forward. I said noones perfect but you can learn to love with imperfections. and still not compromise on ideals.
anyway we had a fun chatty evening, she said that this was the first time she didnt feel pressured around me in 3 weeks and it was good. the whole time we were making eye contact and knowing smiles. I said that this should be something to build from rather than like the other times going back to square one.

we went to the pub had a drink and chatted more. all good things. not one mention of the no future. i did tell her alot of what nathan had to say and she said i should listen to him.

in the end she is getting the week and i said i would offer a coffee at the end of it. she said she would want coffee and that she will think about me.she said keep busy and it will fly by. she gave me a lift home and we kissed... not deeply but enough and she held my hand. i left her with a glint in her eye i havent seen in a while and i felt good.

I can do this.just gonna take time. and im not putting time limits now. what happens happens and for all you cynics i will be careful but the signs are hopeful

5:14pm: to be honest
I just want this shit out of my head and down on something. I dont mind if you want to add your own thoughts.
Monday went well. we talked and I left positive. but thats the problem, i left. As soon as i left the doubts crept in and the positivity went away. Kim was texting on the weekend in the way she always had. now its back to the cold muted texts.I havent even been texting often, and her replies are generally open ended encouraging reply. but its once i give that reply i get nothing back.
I'm not thinking about her quite so much becaus ei know there isnt anything i can do as the ball is firmly in her court. but i am thinking about what ive lost. mainly stability and someone to hold. I will miss that so much. i like having purpose with someone. doing things together and going places together, support and such. generally just sharing your life, afterall isnt that half the fun? (i say someone but i mean her)
I know its her loss, I have been a fucking good boyfriend it isnt often i can say i put 100% in but i totally have. Never have i commited so fully and this is what happens. no wonder i stayed so emotionally aloof till now, cos this is what happens.

I think after these two weeks I will have to just get on with it and leave her too it. it may be a case that she is having an off couple of days(she has complained of migraine) and it may get better. or I could just be setting myself up for disappointment. why cant we build from monday instead of it being the peak and now everything after is the trough?

Im sorry livejournal. I have become a bit of a whiner, but i hate that i cant fix this. or be able to see far enough in the future to see if it can be fixed. I should ask kim she seems to be able to do that :/

I will hate getting back up on that shelf. with the majority of friends now getting on and finding their partners the shelf is becoming a lonely place to be.

at least i now have an ex box..i mean xbox

btw if anyone fancies doing anything this weekend let me know:)

9:38am: update
relationship ( Read more... )
so .....thoughts

8:35am: kimi update
cut for you ease of skippage
( stuff )

9:21am: so
heres what happened yesterday afternoon.
kim went out with suzi saturday night and i didnt hear anything, sun morning i was awake at 5 lying there cursing my failings in the relationship again wishing for a chance to make things right.so i messaged her at 7am asking if once she got over her hang over if she wanted a walk
(i really just needed to see her).
went to work, scanning the world and not taking it in.got home no text reply....
gave kim a call. no answer...shit shit im stalking her fuck!!!

an hour or so went by and i got a call. kim. she said she couldnt walk cos her shin splints but i could come for a coffee but only for an hour or so cos she had places to be.
fine, was there in a shot. the kim i saw was not the kim i left thursday night, she was spaced and serene. we hugged for what felt like an age. had coffee, hugged/snuggled more.
time to talk, i said i understood why she ended things, agreed with her reason of that she could see herself in a relationship of constant arguing, who does!
I laid my thoughts on the line, agreeing tat we need time and space, but maybe ending things wasnt the way forward. she said maybe so but thats the action she took.
more holding/hugging.
we have established,she loves me but has lost the feeling of why she loves me(ie me being happy and easy going, instead of worrying and stressed) she doesnt want anyone else as things stand. she hasnt changed her mind about the above(not wanting to be arguing forever)

she is willing to start hanging out, as friends first and if that works then wooing may follow, no promises. she is strongly telling me she cant promise anything as her thougts still stand, but as time goes on that may subside if we can hang out and enjoy each other again.
cant say fairer than that, i have said i can change and there are a couple things she needs to sort too.

cue a night sharing bed not letting each other go, hardly the act of someone who has given up.

frostie needs to be patient and focus on the good so she can see why she loved me in the first place

thoughts?

4:25pm: pete tong
so this is it. i have been waiting four days to find out if im still seeing the girl i love. who's stress level have reached a point that she thinks im the cause. even though its all external stress's not our relationship, just our stuff is amplified as a result of her stress's.

6 months of genuine happiness have passed, rough and smooth. but it looks like in about an hour it could all be over.

After silence and space, we are seeing each other for the first time since her mate accused me of cheating, which was later found to be a mistaken identity.

but it seems that was the last straw, no one needs that or to hear it. so i sit and wait.

im hurting so much, gut wretching at the thought of this being over.
she may have decided to keep it going but taking this much time and so little contact im really not hopeful.

wish me luck

9:36am: frostie
is off camping tomorrow :) this makes me happy.
which makes a bit of a change this week. have been in a meh mood, but it will all improve once i get into the woods and murder some unsuspecting backpacker.....dog soldier style, I mean get close to nature and fuck a deer... i mean.

ok maybe i jst need to get out of aberdeen for a day or so.

off all next week yay!!

6:52pm: im shocked..netgoth is still going. i thought it was shut down?

9:39am: ok
so i met all kims mates last night, sound bunch. now ma head is sore....off to sleep it off

10:38am: *waves* hello
Im the idiot who went to work today. cos he doesnt know anything about sickness rules.for some reason I got it in my head that after 3 days sick you need a doc note. and so i phoned and they told me 7.
I went into work and they said 7 so i said doh! very quietly. everyone is laghing at my soft and quiet tone, telling me i look like hell and should really not be there. my boss who agrees thought instead of going home i should be a receptionist... you know a job involving answering phones and talking to folk :)

I fear my plague may be spread far and wide:):) and this makes me smile. one girl who was winding me up monday sayin the usual man flu jibes got bio warfare. everything she was holding was promptly touched:):)

kimi is holding up ok,her work told her not to bother comin in till next week,what nice people, got one of her mates engagment parties tomorrow night , I going (because i have not met her mates that) but not sure how long i'll be staying if this cold kees up.


I wanna go for a walk in the country this weekend i think.

11:10pm: i suppose i should get in the groove...
And post when i can

well i took the day off work today , called in sick. I know its only man flu but when your looking like a fish in its last drop of water gasping like a guppy for air, then maybe going to work is a no no

I have left my bed today a total of 30 mins at most which was mainly for food, use of facilities and a shower, which helped alot. I have a steamer (not a shit) to my bed belting out olbas oil and steam and look a little like the set up from bubble boy, medicines line up nicely next to a bottle of robinsons all for easy access. I am quite certain i have exceeded all the recommended doses:)

spent the morning downloading movies for this afternoon then ended up getting hooked on a series called the fringe. this evening i have been converting my xp theme to that of a mac and even got the rolling icons:) schweeet ........i may buy a mac eventually but not entirely sure why, they are just so pretty.

fell asleep this avo and had a really sad dream, some could argue it was a nightmare. I was back in my old farmhouse with my folks, it felt about the time i was dropping out of uni and looking for work. my parents were telling me i couldnt leave to come back to aberdeen and i was trying to explain i had a life here and didnt want to stay, i told them i had a job that paid well and was stable... but the upsetting part of the dream was that i seemed to have amnesia of my job/finances and such. I had such a strong desire to leave but no proof of my being able to live here. like i say strange but did actually make me sad.

Kim has this cold too but she seems to be 100 times worse(taking the mans role i think. not for the first tim ahem..lol) the checking up on each other seems a little one sided just now as she seems to be dying. at least she has someone looking after her in the form of her flatmate. im pretty much being left too it. Which is fine cos i hate
a)beings sick and
b) being around sick people.if it cant be cured with tea/toast/chocolate then im stumped

anyway i feel bad for all my friends who are starting to get the autumn sniffles. much love to you all

2:10pm: hmmm
Is it wrong to be annoyed because you are bored and being paid to literally do nothing. covering the reception for the day because none of the other staff can be bothered turning up when they say they will?

As I dont work the office side, i have nothing i can do , like filing , photocopying,orders and what not. unless i photo copy my ass,

the problem is that all the while im here covering someone elses jobs my jobs will be backed up for me to plow through toward the end of the week.


aaaany way i bguess i shall continue to sit and play games on the pc till hometime.

10:07am: Im thinkin
Its time I updated this again. its been far too long and for once I have stuff to update. after our conversations on friday night, Ive missed my livejournal, facebook is far too easy for the lazy updater.
so tonight this will be my plan. catch you later on .

10:32am: rugby
rugby.twig.2pm. that is all

7:14pm: hmmm now why didnt
face book tell me it was shawree's birthday? how annoying. happy birthday bee. x

9:07pm: 2009
hope its a good one to you all. now can someone please take my clippers off me:) also....just saw an add for a programme that looks like a british version of takashii's castle/ninja warrior/banzuki....so of course it will pale in comparison and be shit...prob because its far too safe

6:05pm: capital one
Are fuckstix. And before you say...yes Im getting rid of them asap!!!2months ago I missed a payment in error,requested and sent a direct debit form and paid about £30 more than i needed to bring up to date and get back on track to getting rid.
What Ms snippy bint from outside the uk didnt tell me was that I was still due a charge for defaulting. I dont check my credit card account as ive stopped using it and assumed it was all set up on d/d. It wasnt. with the charge/defaultin again/further charge I was put over my limit. My error was not checking my account. Noone contacted me until this morning by letter.
Dear Mr Frost you have defaulted your payment of £12. I was on to my online bank and paid it there and then. 30mins later I get a call.
a new bint then went on to question why i defaulted ! I said i sent you a mandate. no sir you havent. no madam i have.
then she said why didnt i set it up over th phone, an option that bint one didnt offer me. then she went on to say Mr frost you should pay your bill , these phone calls wont stop!!! I was like excuse me!!!!
This is the first I hear from you and this is the attitude.so apparently im still getting a charge next month and my d/d is set up...will just have to wait and see.

cocks...

I made muffins they are yum

12:04pm: last night :)
yeah for a run down of my night see shadow_blue's post....cos im lazy :)

random and fun. didnt even go out till 10 :)

10:34am: ok....slightly mental dream
slightly mental. thought i should write it down while its fairly fresh. will try and remember as much as i can. most of my dreams are movie like. with cinema type scenes and camera shots. usually not first person unless the 'shot' needs it.

Ok, george clooney and I are at a Ice hocky match watching the game its a really good match, xciting and wht not, as the game ends george cant find his coat so we look about, this takes a while and the rink eventually closes leaving us and a about a dozen random folk inside. someone discovers a body slashed up. one by one they are picked off by a killer with a knife, horrific scenes.

I breifly catch a glimpse of the killer and try and group everyone together(cos in the movies they all seperate), well from one of the corridors the killer walks toward us, looking alot like Nick nolte and then all fucking hell breaks loose all the other people start pulling knives and stabbing the shit out of everyone else.

Nick runs toward me brandishing his knife and makes a slash at me, I wrestle him to the ground scruffing s shirt ready to punch him and save the day. then from behind a random woman stabs right through my hand into nick!!!! wtf Is it weird i felt the pain???/ she keeps stabbing and cuts off two of my fingers in the process. Nick dies in my arms and as he does everyone stops their murder rampage.blood covered tiles and general slaughter house look to the scene. police arrive two seconds later and start questioning folk, my hands healed but two fingers still missing.


never did find georges coat or know if he survived. woken my mobile before i found out.

so yeah that was my dream.

11:03am: frostie
is sick this morning....not sure why but was sick all over the place:( I was a bit of a greedy pig but thats nothing new....
home early from work as i was a funny shade of greenery.on the way home i called in halfords and paid the balance on my new bike:) Im now a smidge poorer but a smile better.
heres a link to it
http://www.bikeradar.com/gear/category/bikes/mountain/product/i-drive-5-xcr-halfords-model-9901

Happy but sick frostie. pick it up later or tomorrow if i feel better. doubt pub is an option tonight.nathan will need to catch up with you this weekend and give you that 20squid i owe you from elizium if your about :):)
chin chin

10:08pm: hello darkness my old friend
It would seem that whenever I need to open up i turn to this my dear old friend , my live journal. Although most of my post's i dont actually put as public. Im in a really weird place. things appear to be going right for me for once. But I'm very mellon collie and unsure of myself. A lot of things have happened in the last month with today being a definitive moment.

Having to accept the actions of my past will inevitably effect the outcome of my future is something I really need to get my head around. And maybe once the cosmos has forgiven me I will be able to get on with things.

I know I have some really awesome friends who offer their ear at a moments notice but this is just something I have to sort out on my own in my own time so if i have semed a bit distant over the last while Im sorry.

8:36pm: Obama
Im really glad that Obama got to become US president and I have no doubt that he will be forward thinking and a breathe of fresh air to the USA. But is it just me or does anyone else think this is an assasination attempt waiting to happen? Its a huge thing to have a black president in the US and one of half muslim decent.I'm sure there are a fair few folk who will be against him for this. both fanatical whites and muslims alike, I worry that his term may not be a long one which would be a shame. It rings echos of another young forward thinking president...JFK?


I could br and hopefully am wrong

Good luck Obama i think you'll start to turn the tide

5:12pm: is it me
but under current laws James bond of old would have been classed a rapist or molester of women??? I think Ive seen loads of scenes where he forces himself or they have even said no...
plus he calls them all darling.

edit: calling a woman darling doesnt make you a rapist......